Understanding Anger: There is Power in the Pause

Let's rethink our relationship with Anger.

One thing that comes up with anger is the concept of this person being difficult or not being able to play well with others. In psychotherapy we call these high conflict personalities (HCP). An HCP is someone with patterns of behavior that often increase conflict rather than resolving or reducing it. I hear this a lot when we are working through interpersonal dynamics.

What I want to offer is that more often than not people are not intentionally shitty, manipulative, defensive or combative…what I hear is reactive which is an adaptive behavior. Adaptive behaviors are often how you work to feel back in control of a situation when you are feeling super out of control.

Anger is an instinctive response designed to protect us from harm by pushing us into concerted action. Like all emotions anger isn’t good or bad it just is. Positive emotions teach us to carry on and negative emotions are designed to make us stop and do something (fight/flight/freeze).

Being angry is normal, losing your shit is NOT. Remember anger is often triggered by hurt, expectations not being met, or needs not being met. It could mean that an important goal is blocked or a desired activity is interrupted or prevented. It could mean that you or someone you care about is attacked or hurt (emotionally or physically) by others. It could be that you or someone you care about is insulted, offended or threatened by others.

In these moments I want you to first consider. Do I need to respond? And then in most cases I want you to pause to determine if the emotions are justified or unjustified. Remember there is POWER IN THE PAUSE.

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If the emotion is unjustified we will attempt to act opposite to the emotional urge by:

Many emotions and actions are set off by our thoughts and interpretations of events, not by the events themselves. Examining our thoughts and checking the facts help us change our emotions.

We don’t want to push the anger down, we want to get through the moment with as little disruption as possible so that we can better understand where the anger is coming from:

Of course how to respond is relational and situational, but this will give you a baseline on how to regulate this emotion. All anger is NOT bad anger. Anger like all emotions are designed to help us make decisions that will protect us and keep us safe.

Next Step Radical Acceptance

What is Fear?

Fear is jittery feeling in our stomach, the soreness and pressure around our heart, the strangle tightness in our throat. Fear is the loud pounding of our heart, the racing of our pulse. Fear constricts our breathing, making it rapid and shallow. Fear tells us we are in danger, and then urgently drives our mind to make sense of what is happening and figure out what to do. Fear takes over our mind with stories about what will go wrong. Fear tells us we will lose our body, lose our mind, lose our friends, our family, the earth itself. Fear is the anticipation of future pain.

Something is wrong; what do I do?

Remember fear arises with any threat to our wellbeing. The real cause of fear is not always evident. When we feel anxious, the anxiety attaches itself to whatever is going on most immediate in your life. So, what are we going to do with the fear? Radical acceptance teachers us that "the sacred pause is fertile ground for wise action," so let's start there.

1. You know that step one is to breathe. First and most importantly.

2. We do not try to push the emotion down, we befriend the emotion, we welcome it, we remind ourselves that our brain is doing exactly what it is supposed to do and if you are safe you say just that “hand to heart…I am safe.”

3. Once the emotion passes, we weigh the evidence. Do I have evidence to support that this feeling is real? If I don’t, what evidence do I have to support that I am safe.

4. Next, we start the process of radical acceptance.

5. Feelings and stories of unworthiness and shame are perhaps the most binding element in the trance of fear. When we believe something is wrong with us, we are convinced we are in danger. Fear is sustained by our strategies to AVOID FEELING fear.

6. Because we are responding to an accumulation of past pain, our responses are out of proportion to what is happening in the moment.

Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at work with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense. It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment’s experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom.

#Radicalacceptance is a distress tolerance skill that is designed to keep pain from turning into suffering. My go to thought leader on this principal is #TaraBrach is amazing! I use a lot of her principals on Radical Acceptance in my practice. If you want to learn more pleeeeease check out her book! #Lifechanging #DistressTolerance